The Zip Beep Guide To Universal Rules, Laws, Bromides, Theorems And Axioms
compiled by Don Fitzwater
Man, and Man's civilizations, run by rules. Man hopes to better control the universe's tendencies towards entropy (or at least understand them) by formulating rules, laws, theories, etc. all dealing with what, when, where, and why something happens. This is all very well and good, but there always seems to be events and situations that apparently defy the laws of Nature, Physics, Chemistry, etc.
These events have generated a rapidly expanding field of human endeavor, of which a certain Murphy and his laws are probably the best known example. We have compiled here, for your enlightenment, some of the lesser known laws.
Amaze your friends, stun your co-workers, explain the inner most workings of
the cosmos with The Zip Beep Guide To Universal Rules.
The Rules of Any Given Program:
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Rule #1: Any given program will expand to fill all available resources.
Rule #2: Any given program, once running, is obsolete.
Rule #3: Any given program, when running correctly, is obsolete.
Rule #4: If any given program is useful, it will have to be changed.
Rule #5: If any given program is useless, it will have to be documented.
Boulton's Law of Ascending Budgets:
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Both expenditures and revenues rise to meet the other, no matter which may be in excess.
When in doubt, mumble.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee - that will do them in.
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
Bye's First Law of Model Railroading:
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Anytime you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults encountered is proportional to the number of viewers.
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
Chisolm's Third Law, Corollary 1:
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If you explain so clearly that no one can misunderstand, somebody will.
Chisolm's Third Law, Corollary 2:
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If you do something which you are sure will meet with everyone's approval, somebody won't like it.
Chisolm's Third Law, Corollary 3:
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Procedures designed to implement the purpose won't quite work.
Civilization advances by extending the number of important operations one can do without thinking about them.
The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to get anything done.
Crittendon's 14th Application of Murphy's First Law:
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You can not successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
When all else fails, THEN read the manual.
Fifth Law of Procrastination:
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Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
The correct advice is to give the advice that is desired.
A transistor protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
Glib's Laws of Reliability:
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- Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
- The only difference between the fool and the criminal who attacks a system is that the fool attacks unpredictably and on a broader front.
- Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion to the inherent unreliability of the system in which they are used.
- Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
- Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or somebody insists on getting useful work done.
The probability of anything happening is inversely proportional to its desirability.
The Law of Interchangability:
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Interchangable devices won't.
It won't work.
Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
Pure drivel tends to drive away ordinary drivel.
The result of improved and enlarged communications is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding.
When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make a decision.
O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Laws:
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Murphy was an optimist.
Variables won't; constants aren't.
It works better if you plug it in.
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
The length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of people present.
Stever's Corollary of Murphy's Law:
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The down device will fully function in the presence of service technicians.
- The Boss is always right.
- When the Boss is wrong, refer to rule 1
