(SCB) Jokes: Universal Poker

Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: matgerke@phoenix.princeton.edu (Matt Gerke)
Subject: Universal Poker
Date: Wed, 11 Sep 96 4:30:03 EDT

The following is an original produced by a number of people, among them Tim Hutfilz of Princeton University.

<Order> Is each here? Does each have his opposite?

<Chaos> I am here, but my opposite is you.

<Order> Huh?

<Evil> Don't let him bug ya'. We're here.

<Truth> My opposite is not here.

<Good> Is your opposite "Lies"?

<Truth> My opposite is "Void". He couldn't make it.

<Evil> >snicker< Figures!

<Order> Agh! How are we going to seat five! This table is made for six!

<Evil> Just take out his chair and move over. Sheesh!

<Good> I have the cards.

<Evil> I've got the chips.

<Truth> I have the beer.

<Chaos> I have the cards!

<Order> Shut up.

. . .

<Order> Whose deal is it?

<Evil> Do ya' gotta ask that EVERY time?

<Truth> It is Good's deal.

<Good> OK, five card draw...uh, everything is wild.

<Evil> How can anyone win if everything is wild?

<Good> No ONE can win, but we all can call ourselves winners if...

<Order> I like this game.

<Evil> This is pointless.

<Truth> It is time to deal.

<Good> Here we go! Your bet, Truth.

<Truth> Five.

<Order> Five and raise you five.

<Evil> Don't you morons get it? It doesn't matter how much you bet!

<Order> I like ten better.

<Evil> >sigh< Call.

<Chaos> I fold.

<Evil> YOU CAN'T LOSE!

<Chaos> I still fold.

<Good> OK, I'll call. How many, Truth?

<Evil> What's the point in taking more cards?

<Truth> I will keep the cards I have.

<Order> I will take two.

<Evil> Why?!?

<Order> I didn't like those.

<Evil> None for me.

<Chaos> I'll take six.

<Good> Sorry, you folded. Dealer keeps his. Bets?

<Evil> Oh, just get this over with.

<Order> But now we have to bet!

<Evil> Any money you put in, you're just gonna get back!

<Truth> I am in agreement with Evil. Let us show our cards.

<Truth> I have five aces.

<Order> I have five ace of spades.

<Chaos> I have a three.

<Good> Please be quiet. I also have five aces. We all win.

<Evil> Hold it, bub. Six aces, read'em and weep.

<Good> Where did you get that card?

<Truth> He stole it from Chaos.

<Evil> You know the rules, boys. The pot's mine.

<Good> That was a stupid game.

<Order> Whose deal is it?

<Truth> The dealer progression is opposite the deal. Chaos deals.

<Chaos> Whee!

<all but Chaos> >groan<

<Chaos> Eleven card stud-hold'em with threes, eights, jacks, and kings wild...fives count as fours, fours count as nines, and queens don't count unless there is a prime numbered spade showing...

<Order> I fold...

<Order>	Is each here? Does each have his opposite?
<Chaos>	I am here, but my opposite is you.
<Order>	Huh?
<Evil>	Don't let him bug ya'. We're here.
<Truth>	My opposite is not here.
<Good>	Is your opposite "Lies"?
<Truth>	My opposite is "Void". He couldn't make it.
<Evil>	>snicker< Figures!
<Order>	Agh! How are we going to seat five! This table is made for six!
<Evil>	Just take out his chair and move over. Sheesh!
<Good>	I have the cards.
<Evil>	I've got the chips.
<Truth>	I have the beer.
<Chaos>	I have the cards!
<Order>	Shut up.
. . .
<Order>	Whose deal is it?
<Evil>	Do ya' gotta ask that EVERY time?
<Truth>	It is Good's deal.
<Good>	OK, five card draw...uh, everything is wild.
<Evil>	How can anyone win if everything is wild?
<Good>	No ONE can win, but we all can call ourselves winners if...
<Order>	I like this game.
<Evil>	This is pointless.
<Truth>	It is time to deal.
<Good>	Here we go! Your bet, Truth.
<Truth>	Five.
<Order>	Five and raise you five.
<Evil>	Don't you morons get it? It doesn't matter how much you bet!
<Order>	I like ten better.
<Evil>	>sigh< Call.
<Chaos>	I fold.
<Evil>	YOU CAN'T LOSE!
<Chaos>	I still fold.
<Good>	OK, I'll call. How many, Truth?
<Evil>	What's the point in taking more cards?
<Truth>	I will keep the cards I have.
<Order>	I will take two.
<Evil>	Why?!?
<Order>	I didn't like those.
<Evil>	None for me.
<Chaos>	I'll take six.
<Good>	Sorry, you folded. Dealer keeps his. Bets?
<Evil>	Oh, just get this over with.
<Order>	But now we have to bet!
<Evil>	Any money you put in, you're just gonna get back!
<Truth>	I am in agreement with Evil. Let us show our cards.
<Truth>	I have five aces.
<Order>	I have five ace of spades.
<Chaos>	I have a three.
<Good>	Please be quiet. I also have five aces. We all win.
<Evil>	Hold it, bub. Six aces, read'em and weep.
<Good>	Where did you get that card?
<Truth>	He stole it from Chaos.
<Evil>	You know the rules, boys. The pot's mine.
<Good>	That was a stupid game.
<Order>	Whose deal is it?
<Truth>	The dealer progression is opposite the deal. Chaos deals.
<Chaos>	Whee!
<all but Chaos>	>groan<
<Chaos>	Eleven card stud-hold'em with threes, eights, jacks, and kings wild...fives count as fours, fours count as nines, and queens don't count unless there is a prime numbered spade showing...
<Order>	I fold...